Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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