so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
