I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
