Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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