He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
