i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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