If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
