Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
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