Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
