you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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