i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I think your dad took our porno
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
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