I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
