He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
