Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
