I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
