He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
