He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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