I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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