Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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