Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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