First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
