umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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