I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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