Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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