I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
