I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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