Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
