My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
