Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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