sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
