I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
