I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize