You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
