my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You're like the curious george of whores
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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