I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
