Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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