so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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