U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize