I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize