Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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