she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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