Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
