none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
