and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
No subtext here. People are naked.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
