I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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