And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I could make wine with my vomit
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
