If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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