I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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