I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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