im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My liver just had a heart attack.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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