How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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