no, he came in my armpit
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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