Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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