Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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