Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
