What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
