I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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