My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Someone signed my nipple.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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