last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
