After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
